"Take My Life...Please!" is the first segment of the twenty-second episode of the first season (1985–86), of the American television series The Twilight Zone.


Billy Diamond (Tim Thomerson), a successful stand-up comedian, steals the "Gorilla Banana" routine from Dave (Xander Berkeley), another comedian, and performs it on a TV talk show, to huge success, enhancing his own career; unfortunately, Dave can never do the Gorilla Banana routine again, since audiences will think Dave stole it from Billy. While driving away from the TV studio, Billy is ambushed by Dave, who threatens him with a pistol. Dave attempts to get money from Billy to make up for stealing his act, but Billy tries driving the car crazy to distract Dave. A fight breaks out and the car crashes, killing Billy and possibly Dave as well. Billy now finds himself in the afterlife, which turns out to resemble the backstage area of an extremely sleazy nightclub. His new agent, Max, explains he must go audition on stage. A stage manager pushes him out onto a stage in front of a bored-looking audience. When Billy tells conventional jokes, the audience grows hostile and they taunt him with remarks such as "tell us about how your mother died." In order to make the audience laugh, Billy must humiliate himself by recounting all the most shameful and degrading incidents of his lifetime. This produces laughter from the audience. His act is a success but now he learns that he must spend eternity performing this same act.

Closing Narration

“Let's hear it for him, ladies and gentlemen. A big hand for Billy Diamond, a mad-cap kind of guy who'll make you laugh until it hurts, late of Hollywood and Las Vegas, now leaving 'em rolling in the aisles...of the Twilight Zone."